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Smiles, Giggles & All Things Nice :)

April 13, 2011

Peace falls over moi.

Its this skip in my step…

Its this load off my chest…

Its the chains off my feet…

Really did I need so long to figure this out?? 🙂

Seriously I’ve been carrying “baggage” for far far too long. But not anymore!!

Now to the reason… I told the Jerk to go to hell.

Hehehe

Well normally I’m not one to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just can’t. Maybe thats one of my problems. Just dunno how to say “no!

But I did it finally.

Sent the Jerk right out of my life. Enough of damage really. Out out out.

And next morning I woke up to mom watching Joyce Meyer. She was talking about carrying around a “bag of potatoes“. Thats all our baggage = hate, anger, resentment and all that not so nice. Till those potatoes rot and reek and what not.

Those two letters N O seems to have made my load a whole lot lighter. Its off me!!!! Whooooooooo 🙂

Any of you carrying those reeking potatoes along?? Time to set it free peeps!! And get your smile back 🙂

The Dumb Patient…seriously!

April 12, 2011

Start of my first day in the wards after 3 months? Absolute delight!

We decide to start easy, deciding on a random history…

Phie: “Tell me your name please?”

Patient: *pouts lips*

Phie: “Your na-m-e?

Patient: *pouts again*

Phie: *giving me a look* “Nom? umm…nombre?”

Patient: *pouts again, eyes rolling all round*

Me: “OMG! She can’t speak!!”

Yeah I know, I know, I rock.

Phie: “Yes!!!!! Call the nurse!!”

I better not talk about what happened next.

@$%&*! lady better pray I’m not on duty if she decides on getting admitted next. GRRRR. Muuhahaha.

Mother, really!

April 11, 2011

Sometimes I wish I had a mother I could speak to…

My mother is alright, but…

Theres times I wish she was someone I could trust. There I said it aloud for the first time. But I can’t.

Waiting to sneak up on me and then run to hide and call up dad with the latest “report”. Lol.

Waiting for me to be in trouble so she can say “I told you so”.

I really do not understand why and just how a 50 year old mother,

stalks her 23 year old daughter,

waits for her to fall asleep to rummage though her bag and pockets,

wants to go everywhere the daughter goes coz its a “sin” to not take your mom along

why? coz not taking your mom along means its some place you are not supposed to be yourself!

Right now she’s playing doom-sayer and pulling me further down…

I’m almost reaching the last stretch here, you listening Lord?

 

 

 

Center of Attention: From one Bully to the Next

April 9, 2011

Some like it that way. Everyday. Well thank God I aint one of them.

No I don’t mind if they are the center in a good way. Its the bad that bothers me.

Abusers like to be centers. Centers of everything.

My father. As soon as the center shifts from him, you will be made aware of it.

Like this instance at Uncle Joy’s last day. Aint anything major but since its fresh on mind. Where Uncle Joy’s delighted to show off his new LED flat screen. We are at breakfast. [Dunno how the general feel towards the combo of television & food is, but I like them together 🙂 ] Now a bunch of people, cousins, aunts around and our attention goes to the screen.

Boom! There goes dad. “Shut the tv. We are eating. Switch it off.”

Now the other kids look weirded. Its their house. Lol. And as I see they haven’t come across this idea before.

Uncle Joy looks surprised. “Who wants the tv on??” He asks. Lol. And thats everyone.

Dad goes, “Oh really. You people don’t find it disturbing, fine no problem then.”

Amusing. Hehe. I love it when I find I am not an animal after all. Or maybe we all are animals except dad 😉

The Jerk (ex.) used to be one. I probably never stop kicking myself, for not seeing the obvious similarity between him & my dad. And running for dear life.

Everything had to be about him. A guy friend called up on my birthday at 12 night as the clock struck into my b’day. No soon as I had thanked him and disconnected. I was up 5 inches above the floor, hanging by his fist that was clenched to my neck.

I did think I was dying. Haha. I was blacking out somewhat.

Anyway I hate centers of attention. Hehe. Not the good kind of course.

Belated Teenage

April 6, 2011

Just when I thought I was out of that “phase“, I’m wrong again. Dad’s arrival has made hell break loose in my currently already down-hill goin pace.

I try to swallow food that refuses to go beyond my throat. Dad goes, “God is punishing me for some terrible sin that I have committed perhaps in my last life. Why couldn’t I have a normal girl like every other man.” Mom goes, “She will do everything you say, don’t get worried”, giving me a dirty look. Dad continues his rant, “You are not a human being, you know that?” Lol. *Zillioneth time I’m hearing that. From you “dad”* [thats the voice in my head]

As I somehow choke down the rest of lunch, he goes again, “I have seen so many girls in my life. But you are not a human!!”

Gluging down my water, just about to get up,

“You drink Red Bull!!” screeches my dad

“Huh?” I look up, blinking.

“No girl I have ever seen in my life of 53 years drinks Red Bull!!” he roars, eyes bulging.

Turning to my mom “And you encourage her!!”

Mom shifts nervously in her chair, looking at the wall.

Dad grabs a Red Bull from the baggage, eyes going up and down the can.

“Not suitable for children, pregnant women and pheeeeetooo…ics” Dad roars, “Not for children do you hear!!”

Now you may think this is some kinda joke. No. Not in the least. My father is roaring. Currently, red in the face. Red Bull you see is the reason for all my non-normal behavior. And he thinks I still belong in ‘children‘. 23 year old me is children.

I want to laugh now. Desperately trying to pull down my curving up lips, I look at mom.

Mom is struggling to keep a straight face. Which makes this about impossible to…

“Its sugar-free dad…” I manage, getting up to go.

“You are an animal. Only animals do the things you do.” Goes him again

“And you wear stuff on your face.” He rants. (read stuff = lip stick)

“That is why you cannot concentrate, you are too busy putting crap on your face” Gripping the table to death.

“No decent girl I know in my 53 years of life wears make-up” He screeches.

I rush off to my room, closing the door. Not locking. Coz the looks like the first thing my dad did on reaching was break the locking mechanism of my door. Lol.

Domestic Abuse

April 3, 2011

When I reached this land of horrors (current temporary residence) I really had no clue about domestic violence as such.

Till I recently started reading more about it, I dint realize how rampant domestic abuse really is.

When I left home, what I was leaving behind other than my loving parents were extremely pushy parents, years of verbal abuse. I was an extremely high achiever. When I brought in those great grades, yes there was the “good”, much later coz before that came the “did anyone get more than you?”. My love for sport, music, art were severely discouraged and my world consisted of nothing but books.

Perhaps I’m trying to find an excuse for all the decisions I made in a new place. 18 year old me really was at the worst possible stage to make a decision.

Perhaps you too were at a vulnerable point of life.

Love. That four-letter word for me at that point meant escape from worthlessness. It meant happiness. It meant having someone deeply care about you and that dint involve the only thing I knew, academics. I cared deeply about him. And that somehow translated to self-sacrifice.

Soon my life switched to a cycle of interference-control-abuse-violence-apologies-abuse then again. Despite a much bruised body and mind, I refused to acknowledge that something was wrong! Anything for love remember. Lol.

Love doesn’t hurt, guys!!!! Now I want to scream this loud to people who are silently suffering around. When I think back, I wish I confided in someone or somehow I was saved from all that by some intervention.

Please if you are in a situation where you are hurting, in pain, believe me, its never too late!!!! Get out!! Save yourself!!

Unless I was abused, I would never have understood a woman who stayed back in a relationship inspite of abuse. Who continues to care about her abuser. I may have thought, “what she needs is a cure for foolishness“.

Why did God let this happen to me. Often the thought runs through my mind. However I decide to hold on to my God who had been with me, holding me tight and safe. There is a divine reason, however my mind tries to escape that fact, God does everything for a reason. I am a much better person than what I once was. Guess thats one part of that divine plan.

God Bless you all 🙂

Yet Again…

April 2, 2011

Mood: switched to kinda apprehensive

Place: land of horrors

Scene: now

The Jerk has been at it again. I want to lash out. I want to scream. I want to let it all out. I want to ESCAPE!!

Oh yes, from what I brought myself into. How shameful.

So I rather not talk bout it. To anyone.

Zookie was asking me. I could have told her all the parts I cut out when briefing her. But what more could I hope to achieve by burdening her with that. Her being so far away, I don’t feel like giving her one more thing to worry about.

But I can write. 🙂 Thank you Lord for blogs.

So the Jerk wants to know if I “love” him.  [Texts of course, no way I’m letting that creep anywhere near me.]

Love. Always been his weapon. Not anymore I think.

What do I think? Hah! I’d like to slap him. Not with my hand. With my shoe. Lesser contact, the better.

BUT…he is close. My safety. My mom’s.

Jerk: “Whatever, atleast I was with you for the last 2-3 years. Who else will do that. Who will love you like this.”

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAH

Please Lord you do know by now. No “love” of this kind please. Lol! The nerve he has to say such a thing and much more such crap.

HATE. Never knew I was capable of such hate. May he ROT in HELL.

If something happens…No, my Lord will protect me.

My cel rings again. Accompanied by the zillioneth text. Argh.

Escape

April 2, 2011

Mood: not too good

Place: land of horrors

Scene: now

Yes. Escape. All the pent-up emotion in me. I’m hoping for an escape out of the spinning in my head.

More than anything these ramblings are for me to sort out the mess in my head.

So much to do. I’m stuck  in some frantic planning and its execution.

Bad case of plans flying way before action. I’ve got to get myself up.

S-T-U-D-Y-I-N-GGG

March 24, 2011

Mood: hyperactive

Place: land of horrors

Scene: now

My self-confinement is killing me. Humph. Another 2 months for exams. AAAAAAAAAHHHH.

That really ups the pressure. My system is on revolt. *booooze booooze boooze* Hehe. That definitely aint gonna happen. *chilli lava burger??…..maybe chicken tikka??* Dream on!

Another one month of Lent girly. And I am gonna keep it that way.

Now back to those @#$%^&*!!! books 🙂

Brother – Part2

March 19, 2011

Mood: calmer

Place: land of horrors

Scene: flashback

No actually. The whole so called relationship was a lie.

Months earlier. I can definitely sense the distance as we speak. Even the contempt. Hidden in formal words. Bout 3 years since. I’m older. Unspoken messages can be sent via ‘family’.

So it was all about being close to the doc in the family. Only necessary to be close to the doc if she’s a success. Not if she’s walking down the path to destruction I guess. Humph.

Yeah maybe I’m wrong. Damn, even a part of me hopes I’m wrong. Maybe its my hyper-imaginative, over-analyzing mind. I wish. Maybe I just hurt him so bad. What if I did!

But I know its not these maybes.

I’m glad it ended brother.