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Behind & Over The Other Side of That Door ;)

April 27, 2011

How I leave home….

THEN

1. door wide open

2. bag in one hand

3. coat in the other

4. punches in for the elevator and coming back

5. throwing out heels

6. remembers mobile still in or has to be something

7. much rummaging later

8. almost near the door with mobile

9. most certainly will have forgotten something else usually umbrella / wallet

10. finally locks

11. elevator long gone

12. pummeling down the stairs

13. madly waving at cabs

NOW

1. “packing of the bag”

2. double checking including packing fragile stuff (mobile / watch) at less accessible sites

3. coat on me

4. doing a surround check out of the window

5. slow unlocking

6. bag in one hand

7. some kind of weapon in other (pathetic I know. LOL)

8. doing the ninja move as I jump out

9. rapid scan of surroundings

10. watching my back as I lock up

11. waiting for the elevator door to open completely before entering

12. switching weapon with umbrella (holding it as a possible weapon)

12. breathing easy as I land at the lobby waving at the watchman (relief)

13. calm careful walk till the cab

SIGHH. Life post the Jerk.

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University #1

April 26, 2011

The new Dean at the med school I go to was widely seen as eccentric or maybe plain crazy and quite a genius. We (Bebe & me) belonged to the wackier bunch of med students, he took an instant like to us. Surprisingly he was real friendly unlike ofcourse how the damn “DEAN” of med school is supposed to be, frequently fb-ing with us, chatting so on.

I’d just have assumed he was nice fellow, something like the student’s dean so some such thing he propagated. Then came the invitations, “You girls come visit me sometime.”,  “Aww there’s no one home to cook maybe y’all can make an old man happy??”

Now me being the dumbass I am, dint think it was anything beyond what he suggested. Anyway time passed…

The Jerk (ex) had by then complete control of my life. (Yes my fault not his. Humph.) Attendance well, the less said the better but there were a lot of students whose extra-academic activities made their attendance hit bottom. Mine was just a little lower than expected.

Ofcourse my pushy Dad decides to make a visit to the Dean at this time of the year. Where he happily jumped up and down and declared to Dad that “She’s the worst student here!!”

Now my record is pretty clean. No suspensions. No drunken brawls. No messing with the fresh kids. No messing in class.

Not that I’m supporting such behavior. I can pick up tons of students who’ve been caught messing up. And guess what, me, yes me, is the worst student.

Well this is the quote that I’ve been hearing for the last three years, every second minute by Daddy dearest. As if all the bullying in life that he did wasn’t enough, a gem like this falls into his lap.

Convos go a little like this…

Dad: “Not just me. The Dean of such a big college thinks you are the worst student. Imagine there is no one worse than you! You are their nightmare.”

Me: “You know thats obviously not true. He was just-”

Dad: “So I should trust you over the Dean. Even we know who you are. Why couldn’t I get a normal daughter like everyone else!!”

[The last line btw is his all time favorite punch line. Lol.]

Anyway in matters of luck, well it just couldn’t get better for me. 🙂

Why Children…

April 13, 2011

All I can wish for at times like these is the hand to hold mine and tell me “Its okay. Do it at your own pace.”

These days there is usually atleast one point in a day, when I’m breaking down, when I just wish I could somehow somehow get out of this cage thats my ‘family‘…

When I just wish there was something, anything, anything, ANYTHING that could silence mother’s ceaseless rants and insults.

I’d adjusted too much to f-r-e-e-d-o-m that living with a spiteful, cussing, blaming, nosy, judgmental woman who happens to be my mother, is just too overwhelming and suffocating.

Now that I’ve typed down that, the lump in my throat seems to have reduced in size.

Really WHY do people want to have kids. As if messing them up wasn’t enough. Guess its all about self-glorification for some.

Okay maybe I’m being selfish here. But, the sole purpose of my life can’t be to live out my parents expectations. I mean IF I could function that way, I would!!

But I obviously cant. I’m not built that way. In fact I’m pretty damn close to a functional breakdown.

I dint plan any of this to end up the way it did!!!!!!!! No one does.

There is one thing I have decided though. I have two choices.

1) Stay on here. Controlled and manipulated further by self-serving parents.

2) Jeopardize the rest of my education and leave this ‘cage’ called family.

Smiles, Giggles & All Things Nice :)

April 13, 2011

Peace falls over moi.

Its this skip in my step…

Its this load off my chest…

Its the chains off my feet…

Really did I need so long to figure this out?? 🙂

Seriously I’ve been carrying “baggage” for far far too long. But not anymore!!

Now to the reason… I told the Jerk to go to hell.

Hehehe

Well normally I’m not one to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just can’t. Maybe thats one of my problems. Just dunno how to say “no!

But I did it finally.

Sent the Jerk right out of my life. Enough of damage really. Out out out.

And next morning I woke up to mom watching Joyce Meyer. She was talking about carrying around a “bag of potatoes“. Thats all our baggage = hate, anger, resentment and all that not so nice. Till those potatoes rot and reek and what not.

Those two letters N O seems to have made my load a whole lot lighter. Its off me!!!! Whooooooooo 🙂

Any of you carrying those reeking potatoes along?? Time to set it free peeps!! And get your smile back 🙂

The Dumb Patient…seriously!

April 12, 2011

Start of my first day in the wards after 3 months? Absolute delight!

We decide to start easy, deciding on a random history…

Phie: “Tell me your name please?”

Patient: *pouts lips*

Phie: “Your na-m-e?

Patient: *pouts again*

Phie: *giving me a look* “Nom? umm…nombre?”

Patient: *pouts again, eyes rolling all round*

Me: “OMG! She can’t speak!!”

Yeah I know, I know, I rock.

Phie: “Yes!!!!! Call the nurse!!”

I better not talk about what happened next.

@$%&*! lady better pray I’m not on duty if she decides on getting admitted next. GRRRR. Muuhahaha.

Mother, really!

April 11, 2011

Sometimes I wish I had a mother I could speak to…

My mother is alright, but…

Theres times I wish she was someone I could trust. There I said it aloud for the first time. But I can’t.

Waiting to sneak up on me and then run to hide and call up dad with the latest “report”. Lol.

Waiting for me to be in trouble so she can say “I told you so”.

I really do not understand why and just how a 50 year old mother,

stalks her 23 year old daughter,

waits for her to fall asleep to rummage though her bag and pockets,

wants to go everywhere the daughter goes coz its a “sin” to not take your mom along

why? coz not taking your mom along means its some place you are not supposed to be yourself!

Right now she’s playing doom-sayer and pulling me further down…

I’m almost reaching the last stretch here, you listening Lord?

 

 

 

Center of Attention: From one Bully to the Next

April 9, 2011

Some like it that way. Everyday. Well thank God I aint one of them.

No I don’t mind if they are the center in a good way. Its the bad that bothers me.

Abusers like to be centers. Centers of everything.

My father. As soon as the center shifts from him, you will be made aware of it.

Like this instance at Uncle Joy’s last day. Aint anything major but since its fresh on mind. Where Uncle Joy’s delighted to show off his new LED flat screen. We are at breakfast. [Dunno how the general feel towards the combo of television & food is, but I like them together 🙂 ] Now a bunch of people, cousins, aunts around and our attention goes to the screen.

Boom! There goes dad. “Shut the tv. We are eating. Switch it off.”

Now the other kids look weirded. Its their house. Lol. And as I see they haven’t come across this idea before.

Uncle Joy looks surprised. “Who wants the tv on??” He asks. Lol. And thats everyone.

Dad goes, “Oh really. You people don’t find it disturbing, fine no problem then.”

Amusing. Hehe. I love it when I find I am not an animal after all. Or maybe we all are animals except dad 😉

The Jerk (ex.) used to be one. I probably never stop kicking myself, for not seeing the obvious similarity between him & my dad. And running for dear life.

Everything had to be about him. A guy friend called up on my birthday at 12 night as the clock struck into my b’day. No soon as I had thanked him and disconnected. I was up 5 inches above the floor, hanging by his fist that was clenched to my neck.

I did think I was dying. Haha. I was blacking out somewhat.

Anyway I hate centers of attention. Hehe. Not the good kind of course.