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Yet Again…

April 2, 2011

Mood: switched to kinda apprehensive

Place: land of horrors

Scene: now

The Jerk has been at it again. I want to lash out. I want to scream. I want to let it all out. I want to ESCAPE!!

Oh yes, from what I brought myself into. How shameful.

So I rather not talk bout it. To anyone.

Zookie was asking me. I could have told her all the parts I cut out when briefing her. But what more could I hope to achieve by burdening her with that. Her being so far away, I don’t feel like giving her one more thing to worry about.

But I can write. 🙂 Thank you Lord for blogs.

So the Jerk wants to know if I “love” him.  [Texts of course, no way I’m letting that creep anywhere near me.]

Love. Always been his weapon. Not anymore I think.

What do I think? Hah! I’d like to slap him. Not with my hand. With my shoe. Lesser contact, the better.

BUT…he is close. My safety. My mom’s.

Jerk: “Whatever, atleast I was with you for the last 2-3 years. Who else will do that. Who will love you like this.”


Please Lord you do know by now. No “love” of this kind please. Lol! The nerve he has to say such a thing and much more such crap.

HATE. Never knew I was capable of such hate. May he ROT in HELL.

If something happens…No, my Lord will protect me.

My cel rings again. Accompanied by the zillioneth text. Argh.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 3, 2011 5:33 AM

    What’s Love Got To Do With It – ( A movie about Tina Turner – abused for many years)

    While in her dressing room, Ike tried to intimidate Tina with a gun. He laid it on her dressing table, hoping it would frighten her. Tina finally got the courage to escape the violence and abuse, but Ike thought he would still have control over her. He studied her expression, and tested her. He pointed to his head with his finger and said to Tina, “I am in here.” Meaning, he was still in her thoughts – embedded by marriage, kids, violence and abuse.

    They were divorced, but Ike could not let her go. He wanted her back, not because he loved her – but because he had no one to control and abuse. Her escape took the power away from him, especially when he realized that she was no longer afraid of him.

    Abusers will ask if you “still love me?” “Do you love me?” That is a way of controlling your mind – even from a distance. As long as they know that they are in your head, and that they know you are a sucker for love, they are still in control. What the abused fail to realize is this – the love is one sided. If the abusers really loved the abused – they would not do the evil things they do to them.

    “Do you love me?” It’s all a game – a mind game. It lets them know how far they can go the next time. Don’t waste time hating, it only keeps you bound. Let go, don’t communicate if you really want to be free. Change your number, your residence if necessary. Just my two cents. Be safe.


    P.S. The “shame” belongs to the abuser – not the abused.

    • April 3, 2011 7:35 PM

      Thank you so much for the support 🙂 Yes, hate is nothing but self-destruction, I do hope to get out of that soon.
      And changing my residence is not a possibility as I have another year of med school. I’d actually appreciate some advice, how do you think the abuser will respond if I say “no” out loud and clear. Doesn’t that tell him now that he has no chance, he can come in and attack me. He’s pretty good at that by the way.

      Peace 🙂

      • April 4, 2011 9:11 PM

        You are very welcome!

        As the saying goes, “Action speaks louder than words.” You cannot change your residence, but you can change your phone number, seek a restraining order, or whatever options the law allows for protection. Especially since you have stated, “he can come in and attack me – he’s pretty good at that…”

        I am not totally sure I understand what you mean, however, if he comes to your place to cause harm; you do have legal help to make that stop.

        I would not play his game – often times head games can be deadly. If your words meant something while you were being abused and misused, he would have heeded them and treated you better. No matter how you say “no,” that means zero to an abuser. If you feel that your life is in danger, please do what is necessary to protect yourself.

        On the other hand, it takes a while for the abused to let go. Responding to text and phone calls is another way the abused hold onto lost dreams. When your mind is in shock, it is difficult to separate the lies from the truth all at once. This takes time. You are at the stage of letting go, but your mind and emotions are still very much attached.

        You desire connection – just not in a violent way – because you still love him. That is nothing to be ashamed of. You are human. We were fashioned to give and receive love. God is love.

        He knows that you still love him, and he is playing you. Your survival will depend upon your weakness or your strength. It is up to you to decide which shall dominate.

        Take care.

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