Twists & Turns In the Depths

I’m home alone.

And a loud bang goes out somewhere behind me.When I turn, my heart stops. The Jerk is in my apartment!! How????

I run, run, run. He’s closer to the door. And the only way is the other way!

Running into the kitchen. Window! Sliding it open as wide as I can. I can see see the neighbors. The Jerk has already reached me. He grabs my arms. His fingernails digging deeper into my arm.

I open my mouth to scream. No sound comes out. Just like the last time I think.

Holding the window sill with all my strength. I cant let go, I just cant let go, the voice screeeches in my head. The Jerk tightens his hold. Way bigger and stronger than me. His hand moving to shut my mouth. My mouth wide open. No sound, still no sound. I’m trying harder. No sound. His hand moves over my mouth.

Desperate. My one last chance. Pulling his hand away. Lord!!!! My mouth open. Trying so hard it hurts. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Pitiful scream.

I’m sitting up. Maid staring at me from across the hall. Maid? Mom runs in from the kitchen.

Falls back on the couch. Eyes closed. I’m safe, oh God, I’m safe. Realizing I’m shaking like a damn leaf.

Maid gesturing wildly at me. Mom walks over to me.

Mom: “Dammit!! Don’t pray before you sleep do you. And act like this…………”

Me: “Uhh huh”

My heart pounding wildly still, pressing into my throat. Tuning her out. Trying to breathe easy. Friggging loser still still in my head. GAhhh.

In a While

Though i want to write more on my passage though anti-depressants and am inspired reading quite a few blogs, exams have hit hard and I will write more as soon as I can find the time. Thank you much for all the encouragement & support.

And advice to anyone coming across this…

Be strong! Depression is just another bout of flu except that it lasts longer. Get help! Get talking to someone who can help you. Psychiatrist or any doctor / counselor, anything.

Don’t just watch your life slowly slide downhill!! There IS something you can do about it.

May the good Lord give you strength.

Mind-Blown!

Breaking in the fact that I’ve depression. To Mom.

Nowhere close to the response I expected!

After the initial, “Its just in your head. Not possible” to …

Its rather awkward as she looks at me kinda weird from time to time.

Eeeeek. Guess psychiatry = crazy still huh.  LOL!

I’m waking up to a lot of issues. If Mom can act this way, I can think of the attitude people have. Realizing how hard it is for a person who obviously can’t control the under or overworking neurotransmitters in their head, to adjust.

On the positive side, Mom’s taunts have come to a standstill.

Ha ha. Looks like I’ve freaked the hell outta her. Ouch.

Really almost more than dealing with depression, its bout dealing with the people around you.

.

P.S. – Currently in love with my sertaline + bupropion. It’s heaven to feel like myself again. No more lethargy, over-sleeping, weeping spells. Hope.

Anti-Depressants # 2

If anyone wants a bit more insight or understanding or just curious regarding Anti-Depressants, hope this’ll be useful or you can email me.

Sertraline + Bupropion

First Night

Cons

Terrible! I was tired. Yet sleep refused to sink in.

Sleep is one thing that comes easily to me. Never ever had to suffer from any kind of insomnia.

So I guess was harder as it was an entirely new feeling. Twisted and turned for hours. Agitation.

Pros

Even though I had just 5 hours of sleep, I awoke easily when mom called me up for something.

And I don’t feel the urge for ‘nother wink or a pulling towards more sleep.

.

Thoughts

Now on to the possible reason for all that no sleep + agitation…

My bupropion / Wellbutrin was sustained release, so kept me charged for the whole day.

However my sertraline / Zoloft was not. Hence the morning tremors with the bolus dose and wearing off effects towards evening. So I’m breaking it into two, 12-hourly doses. That seems to have helped now.

Depression Strikes

Just when everything in my life was slowly getting a wee bit better…

I had a really good day. Filled with nothing but nice things. Joy, love brimming outta me.

Late night I crashed. Din’t know what hit me.

Cried and cried and then cried some more.

Nothing made sense. I wanted nothing as badly as death.

Still I hadn’t lost sense. I just knew what I wanted. To be out. Out from pain that was crushing me.

Hours of crying. Not being able to sleep.

Somewhere in there I slipped off into sleep.

Woke up in the morning. This was not my usual crying then refreshed, all that pain into tears crying. I could still cry. In a second. Still tired. Still hurting.

I knew I needed help.

So here starts my journey with anti-depressants.

I just kept putting it off, thinking I had sadness that could be brushed off.

Well its not brushing off so with exams closing in and no way that I can do much about depressing forces.

Been a coupla days into my Sertralin + Bupropion (= Zoloft + Wellbutrin)

First few days

cons

• been so absolutely jittery
• fingers trembling
• slight tremor of the jaw at odd times
• a wee bit of palpitations

pros

• I’m alert
• focused
• studying
• happy
• content
• non- lethargic
• not thought much about sleep
• not too hungry
• not sad
• most importantly = NOT CRYING and in the dumps
• something awake in me

Hope Mom doesn’t notice the tremors. Not all that much but they come and go infrequently.

Anyway expecting adverse effects bouncing off in a coupla more days as my system gets used to it. Or I would be thinking of reducing the dose initially.

There are a lot of things to thank God for. Right now for me, its Anti-depressants. 🙂 Thank you Lord.

Lemme Smash my Head on that Wall # 1

So today I’m in the cab on my way home, reading the Medicine book.

Putting the book next to me, I fumble in my purse wondering if I’ve enough change.

*BBBBAAAAAAAGGGGG*

The cab driver stops, now staring back.

Me, mouth wide open, as my door is open…..don’t ask me how or why…..my book, pages flipping in the wind, right in the middle of the street, quite a way back.

Thanking that stranger who actually stopped all the wildly swerving cars and “rescued” my book….and giving it to a red faced, grinning-like-an-idiot me.

Ending this post to go kill myself.

World’s Biggest Nag – A Man

If you asked me, a few years back, in my little world who the world’s biggest nag is? And I would answer my mother.

She has this ability to be completely insensitive poking deeper and deeper into wounds new and old, just to prove she has a point.

Lol. Yes there is a point, thats why there are wounds. Ah well I’ve stopped explaining things to her, coz its really beyond her to understand emotions.

However after that victorious ride of hers, she settles. Content.

And the rest of us at peace.

More than ‘how useless you are‘ rants from my Father everytime something goes wrong, other topics of discussion other than my wonderful useless-ness haven’t really developed up. Ofcourse not that these weren’t enough.

However now that I’m in a bit of a rut, this even better side of him emerges. Haha. To think I assumed it couldn’t get worse.

The latest thing that has happened…

Today they’d gone out. I don’t like a silent house. Not ruckus I mean. I like some music or some old show in the other room to create the right environment. ‘Pin-drop’ silence is not my thing. So I let music play in the living room. Bits drifting to mine.

Suddenly they come home. The last last thing I expected happens.

Father: “Why the hell is the music on??”

Me: (Completely caught unaware) “Huh?”

Him: (screaming) “Why is there music in my house??”

Me: “Coz there was no one else home.”

For the first time in recent history, Mom says something supportive.

Mom: “She doesn’t like silence.”

Him: (jumping up & down now like a lunatic) “You are such a loser. Normal people study in silence!! Why is there music in my house?? How dare you put music!! When you have to study………”

I was studying. Thanks to him, NOW I am NOT.

Behind & Over The Other Side of That Door ;)

How I leave home….

THEN

1. door wide open

2. bag in one hand

3. coat in the other

4. punches in for the elevator and coming back

5. throwing out heels

6. remembers mobile still in or has to be something

7. much rummaging later

8. almost near the door with mobile

9. most certainly will have forgotten something else usually umbrella / wallet

10. finally locks

11. elevator long gone

12. pummeling down the stairs

13. madly waving at cabs

NOW

1. “packing of the bag”

2. double checking including packing fragile stuff (mobile / watch) at less accessible sites

3. coat on me

4. doing a surround check out of the window

5. slow unlocking

6. bag in one hand

7. some kind of weapon in other (pathetic I know. LOL)

8. doing the ninja move as I jump out

9. rapid scan of surroundings

10. watching my back as I lock up

11. waiting for the elevator door to open completely before entering

12. switching weapon with umbrella (holding it as a possible weapon)

12. breathing easy as I land at the lobby waving at the watchman (relief)

13. calm careful walk till the cab

SIGHH. Life post the Jerk.

University #1

The new Dean at the med school I go to was widely seen as eccentric or maybe plain crazy and quite a genius. We (Bebe & me) belonged to the wackier bunch of med students, he took an instant like to us. Surprisingly he was real friendly unlike ofcourse how the damn “DEAN” of med school is supposed to be, frequently fb-ing with us, chatting so on.

I’d just have assumed he was nice fellow, something like the student’s dean so some such thing he propagated. Then came the invitations, “You girls come visit me sometime.”,  “Aww there’s no one home to cook maybe y’all can make an old man happy??”

Now me being the dumbass I am, dint think it was anything beyond what he suggested. Anyway time passed…

The Jerk (ex) had by then complete control of my life. (Yes my fault not his. Humph.) Attendance well, the less said the better but there were a lot of students whose extra-academic activities made their attendance hit bottom. Mine was just a little lower than expected.

Ofcourse my pushy Dad decides to make a visit to the Dean at this time of the year. Where he happily jumped up and down and declared to Dad that “She’s the worst student here!!”

Now my record is pretty clean. No suspensions. No drunken brawls. No messing with the fresh kids. No messing in class.

Not that I’m supporting such behavior. I can pick up tons of students who’ve been caught messing up. And guess what, me, yes me, is the worst student.

Well this is the quote that I’ve been hearing for the last three years, every second minute by Daddy dearest. As if all the bullying in life that he did wasn’t enough, a gem like this falls into his lap.

Convos go a little like this…

Dad: “Not just me. The Dean of such a big college thinks you are the worst student. Imagine there is no one worse than you! You are their nightmare.”

Me: “You know thats obviously not true. He was just-”

Dad: “So I should trust you over the Dean. Even we know who you are. Why couldn’t I get a normal daughter like everyone else!!”

[The last line btw is his all time favorite punch line. Lol.]

Anyway in matters of luck, well it just couldn’t get better for me. 🙂

Why Children…

All I can wish for at times like these is the hand to hold mine and tell me “Its okay. Do it at your own pace.”

These days there is usually atleast one point in a day, when I’m breaking down, when I just wish I could somehow somehow get out of this cage thats my ‘family‘…

When I just wish there was something, anything, anything, ANYTHING that could silence mother’s ceaseless rants and insults.

I’d adjusted too much to f-r-e-e-d-o-m that living with a spiteful, cussing, blaming, nosy, judgmental woman who happens to be my mother, is just too overwhelming and suffocating.

Now that I’ve typed down that, the lump in my throat seems to have reduced in size.

Really WHY do people want to have kids. As if messing them up wasn’t enough. Guess its all about self-glorification for some.

Okay maybe I’m being selfish here. But, the sole purpose of my life can’t be to live out my parents expectations. I mean IF I could function that way, I would!!

But I obviously cant. I’m not built that way. In fact I’m pretty damn close to a functional breakdown.

I dint plan any of this to end up the way it did!!!!!!!! No one does.

There is one thing I have decided though. I have two choices.

1) Stay on here. Controlled and manipulated further by self-serving parents.

2) Jeopardize the rest of my education and leave this ‘cage’ called family.